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A Dying Storm , 05 Aug 2017

What are you thinking and feeling?

It's very hard to explain this trich.....

I feel a magnet in my hand attracted to my hairs.
I feel my hand has a mind of it's own.
I feel I NEED to pull this ONE hair OUT.
I feel nothing can stop the need to get it out.
I feel distractions help but are only temporary and still a battle to stop myself.
I feel in my brain tension and anxiety to get the one more hair out.
I feel like I struggle for minutes or sometimes hours to get that one hair.
I feel like I sometimes get the wrong hair and that isn't enough.
I feel like there is another spot burning on me that I need to eradicate of hairs.
I feel drawn and compelled and addicted to removing that hair and getting the sharp sensation and relief.
I feel frustrated that I can't stop and that I just want that one more hair and then I will compromise and stop... for a little.
I feel more frustrated that I lied to myself and now feel another burning spot.
I feel I can never look someone into the eyes in fear of judgement and ridicule.

There's so much more.

I think what is wrong with me?
I think why can't I fight this?
I think I am weak minded and can't be strong enough to fight it.
I think I am an alien by appearance and difference of personality.
I think I have lost my childhood and what it is like to live a normal life, feeling normal.
I think I am misunderstood and I am afraid to talk to anyone I have ever known or loved about it.
I think no doctors around me understand my problem and tell me to move on and accept what I do to myself.
I think they are crazy.
I think they are making me go crazy.
I think they think I am crazy.
I think they are making their truth a reality through me.
I think I will hurt myself some day or someone else for the abuse they put me through.
I think medications are garbage and have only made me worse.
I think there is hope somewhere I just don't know how to find it right now.

but I also sometimes feel like right now is all I have lived for the past 15 years of my pulling and that this is the only life I will ever know. The Trich life.

The one hair turns into almost all of them over time and I can't fight it unless I find some sort of distraction that doesn't involve a screen and being alone.
I have been going for walks and still get yelled at by people when I am trying to mind my own business and feel better about myself health wise. I have people trying to steal from me, attack me, threaten my life. I've been assaulted and hospitalized a few times from groups assaulting me. Maybe because I am different. Maybe wrong place at wrong time.. all I know is that is all I know and I can't take it anymore. I need a change.

Sometimes I wonder If I even want to get better or If this is just leading up to the inevitable.. death.

Tell me how do you feel/think?

Are you alone and do you feel like everyone is trying to make you feel crazy? I'm not crazy... I'm just a little unwell. (Matchbox 20 song)

1 Answer
September 03, 2017
You're not alone. I'm just like you. I've pulled for my entire adult life, and I'm now in my early 40s. But this doesn't have to define us. There is hope. I've been trich-free for 26 days and 22 hours. Don't think about the big huge scary task of never pulling again. Just get through the next 30 seconds. Take one step. Then the next minute. The next half-hour, and then the next day. Week. Month. You can do it. We can be free of this, one step at a time. It takes the full willingness to be free of it. To not give yourself permission to keep living like this. For years, I accepted that this was just a part of my reality. But it's not true. It doesn't have to be this way. We deserve better! We deserve to be free of this. Don't give up! Throw everything you've got at this --all your strength, determination, grit, willpower, courage, fierceness, rage, and might. Start right now, don't wait until tomorrow! The minute you get that urge, say NO! Scream it out loud if you have to. Go ahead, "NO!!! I deserve better than this! I WON'T do this anymore! This is NOT what I want for myself!!"

Don't give up! There are so many people who are just like you, and we need to see each other succeed to know that it's possible.

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