What are you thinking and feeling?

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What are you thinking and feeling?
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It's very hard to explain this trich.....

I feel a magnet in my hand attracted to my hairs.
I feel my hand has a mind of it's own.
I feel I NEED to pull this ONE hair OUT.
I feel nothing can stop the need to get it out.
I feel distractions help but are only temporary and still a battle to stop myself.
I feel in my brain tension and anxiety to get the one more hair out.
I feel like I struggle for minutes or sometimes hours to get that one hair.
I feel like I sometimes get the wrong hair and that isn't enough.
I feel like there is another spot burning on me that I need to eradicate of hairs.
I feel drawn and compelled and addicted to removing that hair and getting the sharp sensation and relief.
I feel frustrated that I can't stop and that I just want that one more hair and then I will compromise and stop... for a little.
I feel more frustrated that I lied to myself and now feel another burning spot.
I feel I can never look someone into the eyes in fear of judgement and ridicule.

There's so much more.

I think what is wrong with me?
I think why can't I fight this?
I think I am weak minded and can't be strong enough to fight it.
I think I am an alien by appearance and difference of personality.
I think I have lost my childhood and what it is like to live a normal life, feeling normal.
I think I am misunderstood and I am afraid to talk to anyone I have ever known or loved about it.
I think no doctors around me understand my problem and tell me to move on and accept what I do to myself.
I think they are crazy.
I think they are making me go crazy.
I think they think I am crazy.
I think they are making their truth a reality through me.
I think I will hurt myself some day or someone else for the abuse they put me through.
I think medications are garbage and have only made me worse.
I think there is hope somewhere I just don't know how to find it right now.

but I also sometimes feel like right now is all I have lived for the past 15 years of my pulling and that this is the only life I will ever know. The Trich life.

The one hair turns into almost all of them over time and I can't fight it unless I find some sort of distraction that doesn't involve a screen and being alone.
I have been going for walks and still get yelled at by people when I am trying to mind my own business and feel better about myself health wise. I have people trying to steal from me, attack me, threaten my life. I've been assaulted and hospitalized a few times from groups assaulting me. Maybe because I am different. Maybe wrong place at wrong time.. all I know is that is all I know and I can't take it anymore. I need a change.

Sometimes I wonder If I even want to get better or If this is just leading up to the inevitable.. death.

Tell me how do you feel/think?

Are you alone and do you feel like everyone is trying to make you feel crazy? I'm not crazy... I'm just a little unwell. (Matchbox 20 song)