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I'm new here, but not new to trich. I'm also living in an entirely new city as of a week ago - when I got here, I felt hopeful, and excited, and ready to start new, but I wasn't sure how my trich would play out in a new home... Well, by day 2 I was hiding in the bathroom hoping my roommate wouldn't realize that I was in there for so long - hunched over a magnifying mirror like I usually am when I'm going after a hair and can't quite get it - bleeding - and at this point I don't even remember how many hours I spent total in the last week obsessing over my eyebrows being "perfect", but I do know that yesterday, it was at least 6 hours. I did have some respite, on October 3rd, I had accidentally trimmed into my eyebrow and caused a bald spot (I have, if I let them grow, very thick, VERY long, and very curly eyebrows, and I'm a lady, I can thank my dad for that gene though) and they actually looked nice filled in still, so I felt okay, but then the next day went to town on them for some reason.... I feel like I can't even remember how much time I spent, or even what I necessarily did, I just can see the outcome now in the mirror - it's like I blacked out or something, and lost all reason....Let me just say, objectively they definitely looked better before I went after them. And that's something about this disorder I'll never understand. That cycle of convincing myself I need to pluck a hair (and then another hair), then actually getting the hair after hours of work going after it, then assessing it in the mirror, expecting to say "yes that was worth the effort" only to be disappointed by the wounds, by the time I spent, by it really looking worse actually not "better".. I'm sure everyone reading this doesn't need me to explain much further. I do this eyebrow plucking ritual convincing myself it's the right decision, that it won't look good but leaving it will look worse, and then after the fact I just wish I never had that though process at all. It's so backwards and I do not understand how someone who in every other part of their life has sound judgment just lets the denial and self-rationalization run free when alone in front of a mirror...I also have back pain and tension from hunching over into a mirror. Still feel so baffled by why that isn't enough to make me stop....
I never pull my eyebrows with my fingers while I'm out, or driving, or watching TV, or anything like that. It's very methodical, only when I'm alone, only with the right tools, and I even take a few moments to assess the exact one I'm going to get (and then sometimes repeat the cycle for another hair). I also have to wash my face 2 or 3 times after I pluck my eyebrows, and 10/10 times I do them now, I start bleeding.
About 2 years ago was when this got really bad, although I remember it all started with my eyebrows when my mom alluded to me having a unibrow that I should shave a little bit (horrible, horrible advice). Sometimes I wish my mom never said anything and told me my "unibrow" was beautiful. At this point I have literally at least twice trimmed my eyebrows down so far that they were basically non existent, or became so frustrated I plucked out every single dark hair in my eyebrows, so I basically had none... So anyway, back to two years ago-- I had always had an issue with my eyebrows, but I decided I wanted someone else to do them for me. So I found a makeup artist/wax specialist in my area, and they waxed off half my eyebrow. The worst part was, we had become friends at that point - I was seeing her for about 4 months before this incident. It truly was half of my eyebrow just ripped off - she even held the mirror close to her chest before she showed me and said, "Ok, I just need to tell you something before you look. I accidentally took too much off your right eyebrow..." So it was not just me being delusional about an issue. However, this ended up being really bad for my trich, because I trusted her with something that was supposed to help me... and she just made it worse. I'm still not over it.
The mindset that followed this was truly sad. I would think, well, yeah, I'm pulling out and attacking hairs that I don't need to spend my time on, but it's not like it's going to ever look as bad as what she did to me, stuff like that.
I definitely have perfectionist tendencies in more areas than my eyebrows. And I like that about myself - I work hard, and I like to do things well. I'm actually okay with things not being perfect, except with my eyebrows. That for whatever reason is where I just can't seem to give up the ghost.
If you guys have any tips for me, or at the very least, just a response - like I said, I'm living by myself in a new city and while I feel excited to be here and more willing than ever to try to overcome my problems with trich, I also feel really alone.
Yesterday I spent 6 hours+ pulling out numerous hairs, it started to lose that methodical nature where I assess, and consider, before I pull anything and I was just plucking and pulling somewhat haphazardly, which I haven't done in a long time - very worrisome to me, and naturally not pleased with the outcome. Today, I've plucked 2 hairs total - no blood was drawn, which sadly is a big win for me in a 24 hour period and in this state.
Has anybody had any luck hiring somebody to do their eyebrows for them? I decided to make an appointment with someone despite how horribly that went last time, because in the past, that's been what has gotten me some relief the most out of anything.
I want to go out and just be myself without shame, which I've had the joy of doing on what feels like rare occasions, but when I get like this, I just stay in my apartment and occasionally cry, I punish myself I guess and feel like I can't handle the outside world and the inevitable scrutiny. I find myself filling my head with "shoulds" and "should haves" and it drives me up the wall if I let it...
"Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your mind off your goals." - Henry Ford
I know I've seen on a lot of publications that Trich is not curable, but I still am set on being trich-free.
Thank you for reading this.
I hope someday we can all find peace.